Thursday, January 9, 2014

What Motivates Us: Sex, by Paul Bloom

Open Yale Courses
PSYC-110: INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY

Lecture 14 - What Motivates Us: Sex [March 26, 2007]

Chapter 1. Addressing Morality and Inevitability on Evolution, Sex and Gender [00:00:00]

Professor Paul Bloom: Sex is really strange. You ask people, "What's your favorite activity?" and if you ask people, particularly college students, particularly just fresh from spring break – I've seen teen movies – they'll often answer, "Sex." or some word that is synonymous with sex. But there's a kind of a puzzle about how much time we spend on sex. And it turns out there is data on this. So, people say sex is their favorite activity, but it turns out we actually know how much time the average American spends on sex. And the data I'm going to follow from was summarized in this wonderful book by James Gleick:
Americans tell pollsters their single favorite activity is sex. In terms of enjoyability, they rank sex ahead of sports, fishing, bar-hopping, hugging and kissing, talking with the family, eating, watching television, going on trips, planning trips, gardening, bathing, shopping, dressing, housework, dishwashing, laundry, visiting the dentist, and getting the car repaired. On the other hand, these same studies suggested the average time per day devoted to sex is four minutes and three seconds. [As Gleick says,] This is not much, even if the four minutes excludes time spent flirting, dancing, ogling, cruising the boulevard, toning up in gyms, toning up in beauty parlors, rehearsing pick up lines, showering, thinking about sex, reading about sex, doodling pornographically, looking at erotic magazines, renting videos, dreaming of sex, looking at fashion magazines, cleaning up after sex, coping with the consequences of sex, building towers or otherwise repressing, transferring, and sublimating .
And I like this passage because it illustrates two points, two important points. One is we don't actually spend that much time on sex. In fact, the four minutes and three seconds is an interesting number because when you do times studies on how much Americans spend filling out tax-related forms for the IRS, it's four minutes and a few seconds. But the passage also points out that regardless of the brute time we spend on it, it is extraordinarily important. Everything in life follows from it – marriage, family, children, much of aggression, much of competition, much of art and music and creative pursuits. Much of everything follows from it. If we were a creature without sex, everything would be different.

And what's interesting is, there are creatures without sex. There are creatures that reproduce by cloning. And in fact, this basic fact about people – that we fall, roughly, into males and females – is an evolutionary mystery. It's not clear why animals that are somewhat large have two sexes. From a biological Darwinian perspective, having two sexes is bizarre because each time you have an offspring you toss away half your genes. My children only have — each of them have half my DNA. If I were to clone, they would have all of it. And so, it's a puzzle how sex ever evolved.

This is not a course in evolutionary biology, and that's not the puzzle we're going to be looking at today. We're going to look at a few questions. First, we're going to talk from first a theoretical point of view and then an empirical point of view about how males and females are different. Then we're going to talk about sexual attractiveness, some research about what people find to be sexually attractive, and then we'll talk a very little bit at the end about the origins of sexual preference: why some people are straight, others gay, others bisexual, and others harder to classify.

Now, of all the topics I'm presenting, sex is one of the sort of dicey ones from an emotional point of view. These are difficult issues because sex is, by definition, an intimate part of our lives, and it matters a lot. Moreover, sex is fraught with moral implications. And since I'm talking about this from, at least at the beginning, from a Darwinian evolutionary perspective, I'm obliged to start off by dealing with some of the moral consequences and moral implications.

So, for instance, many biologists – all biologists I would say – will have argued that sexual behavior, sexual action, sexual desire is, to some extent, a biological adaptation existing to spread our genes. From that perspective then, non-procreative sex – including gay sex, sex with birth control, sex by post-menopausal women – does not serve this reproductive goal and, in some sense perhaps, is unnatural. And one might argue then, "Does this mean it's wrong?" We'll also be talking about sex differences, differences between men and women, for instance, in how much you want anonymous sexual encounters, differences between men and women in social intelligence, in aggression and empathy. And regardless of what you think about these differences, whether you think they're right or wrong or it doesn't matter, you'll ask the question, "To what extent are they mutable?" That is, if they exist through Darwinian natural selection, to what extent can we ever get rid of them? And I want to address those two issues, the issues of morality and inevitability, from the very start. And I want to start off with — for each of them have a quote by a prominent evolutionary scholar. So, the first one is by Steve Pinker in How the Mind Works. And he writes,
Nature does not dictate what we should accept or how we should live our lives. Well into my procreating years, I am so far voluntarily childless, having squandered my biological resources reading and writing, doing research, helping friends and students, and jogging in circles — ignoring the solemn imperative to spread my genes. By Darwinian standards, I am a horrible mistake, a pathetic loser, but I am happy to be that way, and if my genes don't like it they can go jump in the lake.
Pinker's point, I think, is a reasonable one. It is true that certain things we do exist to serve the dictates of natural selection, but that doesn't make them right? If you think that something is only right if it leads to the generation of more genes, if it leads to reproduction, then you're not going to think very much about birth control. You're not going to think very much about any sort of non-procreative sex. On the other hand, if you're — Moreover, if you think something's wrong if it's unnatural, you're going to think much about flying in a plane or refrigerating food or surviving a severe infection. More generally, our bodies and brains have evolved for reproductive success, but we can use these brains to choose our own destinies. Nothing moral necessarily follows from the facts of biology. That's all I'm going to say about morality. But I want you to keep it in mind when we discuss different claims about what's evolved and what hasn't.

What about inevitability? Here I want to turn to Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins writes,
If a child has had bad teaching in mathematics, it is accepted that a resulting deficiency can be remedied by extra-good teaching in the following year. But any suggestion that the child's deficiency might have a genetic origin is likely to be greeted with something approaching despair. If it's in the genes, it is determined and nothing can be done about it. This is pernicious nonsense on an almost astrological scale. Genetic causes and environmental causes are in principle no different from each other. Some may be harder to reverse, others may be easy. What did genes do to deserve their sinister, juggernaut-like reputation? Why are genes thought to be so much more fixed and inescapable in their effects than television, nuns or books.
I like the nuns. And the point here is what causes something is logically separate from what can reverse it. And you can think of clear cases where something is plainly genetic but is fairly easily reversed and where something is cultural and is very difficult to reverse. Here's an example. My eyesight is quite poor. The reason why my eyesight is quite poor is not due to the patriarchy, television, culture or "the man." Rather, my eyesight is quite poor due to the crappy genes Mom and Dad gave me. It is genetically determined if anything is. It is also fairly easy to fix. There are these machines where they put panes of glass in front of your eyes and help you to see better. More advanced machines known as contact lenses actually stick the thing into your eyes, and at the cost of occasional infections you come to see better. It's biologically caused but fairly easy to fix.

On the other hand, take an example of society's treatment of the obese. It turns out when we – and we'll get to this a little bit when we talk about sexual attractiveness – how thin somebody is or how fat they are; what you think of that is actually not particularly hard-wired. It varies a lot from culture to culture. But once it's in a culture, it is almost impossible to shake. So, the point, there is just that genetic does not mean inevitable, and cultural does not mean easy to fix.

Chapter 2. Basic Sex Ed [00:10:48]

Okay. That's general background. Let's start with basic Sex Ed. What's the difference between males and females? Well, don't even think penis and vagina. There are a lot of animals that have neither one. And the difference actually runs deeper. By definition, when biologists talk about this, animals that are males have a little sex cell, which carries genes and nothing else – sperm cells. Animals that are females have a big sex cell, which has genes but also food and a protective cover and all sorts of other stuff. Typically, the little sex cell is much littler than the big sex cell. This is the only erotic picture I'm going to show you today. It's a bunch of these little sperm circling around the egg. It's romantic.

But this raises a puzzle. I just described male and female roughly in terms of a size difference. Males are the smaller of the sex cells; females are the bigger. Why is it then that for so many animals males are the bigger ones, physically, and the more aggressive ones. This has been a puzzle that has occupied scientists for a long, long time. And we're pretty — there is now a pretty clear answer to it. And the answer goes like this. It is based on an idea by Robert Trivers called "parental investment." And what parental investment is, it's defined here as, any investment that's going to increase the offspring's chance of survival at the cost of the parent's ability to invest in other offspring.

So, for example, suppose an animal could create an offspring by blinking an eye and then the offspring would run off? That would be extremely little investment. Suppose another animal had to work for ten years, and during those ten years could not create another offspring. That would be a huge investment. Trivers points out that within a species, females typically have a much higher parental investment than males. Because females have these big sex cells, they typically incubate them internally. They carry them. If they're eggs, they might have to sit on them. And hence, each potential child is a huge cost.

For males, which have the small sex cell, you don't have the same thing. For males, it might just be a few moments of copulation and that's it. If you could ask yourself, for humans, each one of you in the room, "What is the minimum effort you can do to create a child that has half your genes?" And it's apparent that the male investment, on average, is lower than the female investment. Males can choose, or might do better off in some circumstances by putting a lot of investment into their offspring, but females don't have a choice. Females, barring technological advance, have a huge investment into any offspring; not investment in the sense or hard work and effort, though there's that too. Investment in the sense that when you're — when you're pregnant with one offspring, you can't have another.

What this does is it has ramifications that percolate upwards. So, it leads to different psychologies. Males — and a single male could fertilize several females, forcing some males to go mate-less and giving rise to competition to see who can mate with the most females. For females, however, females can always find mates. So, sheer numbers don't count. But there's competition to mate with the right males, those whose offspring have the best chance of surviving. The competition now explains the puzzle we started with. It explains why males are typically larger, and often why males have evolved special weapons. These special weapons evolved for fighting other males for reproductive access. It also explains something else. Females, biologically, are choosy. And so males have to compete not merely with other males to get reproductive access but also to woo females. And so often, males have evolved special displays like this [showing a picture of a peacock's plumage], which exist only to be beautiful, only to be attractive and to attract mates.

This cold evolutionary logic was captured in this cartoon, which really does sum up a hundred of mate-selection research. The logic goes like this then: difference in the size of sex cells leads to differences in typical parental investment, leading to differences in the sorts of psychological and physiological mechanisms that evolved. Okay, that's a good story. What sort of evidence is there for it? Well, it turns out this could explain some otherwise surprising things. For instance, there should be — there are some cases where the parental investment is switched, some cases where it turns out — where the males end up with more investment than the females. And it — and the theory predicts that in these cases you should get an asymmetry.

So, in cases like pipefish, for instance, the male takes the eggs into a pouch and plugs them into his bloodstream. The females shoot off. They have less of an investment than the males. In this case, you would predict, as is true, the females should be larger, the females fight other females more than males fight males, and the females try to compete for the attention of the males. Recall the movie "March of the Penguins." We saw a clip from it, and this was in the context of discussing the emotions that have evolved toward our offspring. But remember the story and how both the male and the female have to go to tremendous lengths to protect the egg. And if one of them fails, the egg dies and neither one has it. You should then not even have to remember whether male penguins are much bigger than female penguins. You should realize they should not be, and in fact they aren't. They're about the same size because the parental is equal.

You should be able to predict the size differences and aggression differences based on differing parental investment. So for instance, elephant seals are four times — the males are enormous. They're four times bigger than the females. And this is in large part because elephant seals compete for harems of females. It's a "winner take all." Gibbons are about the same size. And this is because gibbons are pretty monogamous; they raise children together.

This illustrates something, which is, it's not always the case that male parental investment is low. There are some species, including gibbons, where it's in the male's reproductive advantage to care for the offspring. Imagine a situation, for instance, where an offspring would die if both parents didn't watch it for many years and where the effort devoted to that offspring had to be exclusive. If you focused on another family or went away, the offspring would die. In that case, you'd have equal investment. It would matter equally to the male and the female to invest in their offspring, and the cost would be the same. There's no species — it's hard to see species that have that much of an equal system, but some primates are close to it. And this raises the question then, "What about humans?" What about us? What do we know about the differences between males and females?

Chapter 3. Sex Differences among Humans [00:19:22]

Well, humans are a relatively polygamous species. Most cultures — most human cultures are polygamous. American culture is what they call "serial monogamy." So, we're not like some species of birds. We don't mate for life. We do a series of peer-bondings for some period of time. It could be for life, but indeed may not be and usually isn't. Males are bigger than females. Human males — the size estimates vary so much, but the average human male is about fifteen percent larger than the average human female. This suggests that there's some — there's been, in our evolutionary history, some male-male competition for access to females, which suggests, in turn, that the parental investment is not quite equal. Males have smaller testicles for their body size than chimpanzees, but larger testicles than gorillas and gibbons. And this suggests that there was some intermediate amount of competition for the capacity to create sperm. And this is relevant for a different sort of competition, which regards the impregnation of females that have multiple mates. And this suggests that over evolutionary history women were not wantonly promiscuous, but were not entirely monogamous either; so much so that it paid from an evolutionary point of view to evolve — males to evolve the capacity to produce more sperm than other males.

Aggression. Males are meaner. I mean I'm summarizing here. Meaner is not a technical term. Yes, females can be meaner, but males are at least more physically violent. They're more violent in the womb, in utero; they're more violent as children, and they're more violent as adults. Again, this is not to say that you can't find violent women or non-violent men. It's just on average there is this difference. They kick more; males kick more in the uterus. As children they're more involved in play fighting and violent combat-like sports. And as adults, wherever you go you will find a prison. And wherever you go you will find that prison is mostly full of men. They are far more likely to kill one another and to harm one another. Male sex hormones, like testosterone, are not the sort of thing one would want to inject in somebody unless you want them to turn kind of mean. They increase aggressiveness, both in humans and in other primates.

What about sexual choosiness? Do male humans and female humans differ in the extent to which they will favor anonymous sex? And this is relevant from an evolutionary perspective, because the parental investment theory predicts males should be more receptive to anonymous sex. Because for males, to impregnate somebody else might fortuitously lead to another offspring; it might be good for you and doesn't carry the sort of harm that females, on the other hand, have to be very picky. Because they have to choose carefully. Remember, these systems evolved before birth control and vasectomies and so on. So, what do we know cross-culturally and psychologically?

Well, prostitution is a universally, or near universally, male interest. There are male prostitutes, of course, but contrary to some various fantasies and sitcoms, they cater to male customers. Pornography is a human universal. In every society, males have done some sort of depictions of naked females for the purposes of arousal. Often they carve them into trees or do sort of sculptures. One of the weirdest findings in the last decade or so is that this extends as well to monkey porn. And so, some scientists at Duke set up a situation where monkeys could pay in fruit juice, by giving up fruit juice, to look a picture either of the female's hindquarters or of a celebrity monkey, a socially dominant monkey, some sort of combination of People Magazine and Penthouse. And so, there's some interest in this even by non-human primates.

What about actually preference for sexual variety? Well, you can get at this in different ways. There is what biologists describe as the "Coolidge Effect." I have this here [on a slide]. And the Coolidge Effect is based on President Calvin Coolidge. And it's a story about Calvin Coolidge and his wife, who were being shown around a farm separately. And the person showing around his wife pointed out that there were a lot of hens; she noticed that there were a lot of hens but only one rooster. And she asked the guy showing her around, "Is one rooster enough?" And the guys said, "Well, you know, the rooster works very hard. The rooster has sex dozens of times a day." And she said, "Well, be sure to tell that to the president." The story goes, the president went around, the guy tells the story to the president. The president asks the man, "Huh. Has sex dozens of times each day. Same hen every time?" The guy says, "No, different hen every time." And he says, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

Now, there are two responses to this sort of story, and they're both kind of negative. One thing is, "Well, everybody knows males prefer anonymous sex with strange women. Duh." The other response is, "That's sexist claptrap." You might think — you might be a male and say, "That's not me." You might know males and say, "The males I know are not like that." So, how do you find out? Well, there are indirect measures, such who goes to prostitutes. But there are also fairly direct measures. One fairly direct measure is you could ask people in anonymous surveys. So, in fact, I'll give you some anonymous surveys. I'm not going to ask people. And you just ask them. So, for instance, I want everybody to consider this question. How many sexual partners do you want to have in the next month? What is it — we're coming up to April. How many sexual partners do you want in April? Next two years? Take many of you through graduation. When you leave Yale, what do you want — like, "I had X sexual partners, and that's what I wanted." Or your lifetime? We get people to answer these questions.

Professor Chun last year in this course had clickers, and he got people to do it. We are not so high tech, so we'll just do it in our heads. But here is the way the answers come out. Women say less than one in the next month. That doesn't mean they want less than one; that means many of them — many of them say zero, some say one and so on. One — four to five. Men — two, eight, eighteen. You can ask other questions from this population. So, you could ask, "Would you have sex with a desirable partner you have known — so somebody really desirable — for a year; women say yes, six months — unsure, week or less — no. Men [slide reads "yes, yes, yes"] [laughter] — and with men you could get a majority going to five minutes.

This is all Q & A, pen and pencil sort of things. Some brave scientists have actually done experiments. And in one experiment somebody — I don't, you know, this is the sort of thing which you probably wouldn't do nowadays. This work has been done ten years ago, where they have an incredibly attractive man and an incredibly attractive woman and they approach people on campus. They're not from campus; they're actors brought in. And they go to people, to strangers, and they say, "I've been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive. Would you go out with me tonight? Would you come over to my apartment tonight? Would you go to bed with me tonight?" The experiment you wouldn't think anybody would've done has been done, and women about — a very attractive man, over half of the women approached say, "Yeah, I will. [go out with you tonight]" Very few agree to this ["Would you come to my apartment tonight?"], and nobody agrees to this ["Would you go to bed with me tonight?"]. For men, the data are like this, they go up to there and then up to there [they say yes 50%, 69% and 75% of the time respectively]. In this study, the twenty five percent of males who said "no" apologized profusely, and they said, "Oh, you know, my fiancĂ©'s in town, and [unintelligible]."

What about behavior? Well, you — if we're interested in sex differences, you can't actually figure out what people want, male female differences, by looking at simply at the average number of times people have sex because if males and females have different priorities, then heterosexual sex is a compromise between two groups of people with competing interests. What's a more clear reflection then is gay sex between two women or between two men, because then you get a pure reflection of sexual desire. Now, the data here tend to be very messy. Again, they're survey studies but by and large every study done tends to find a difference in the expected direction, which is that females tend to be — lesbians tend to be much more monogamous than gay men. Some studies prior to AIDS – this was many years ago – found gay men to be extremely promiscuous, often having over a hundred or over a thousand partners. You wouldn't find this sort of promiscuity in females. And a way to think about this is, what these gay men are doing is exactly what your average heterosexual man would do if he had that degree of willing females who were as willing as he was. And this all suggests that there's some sort of difference along lines expected in sexual choosiness in humans.

What about sexual attractiveness? What about mate preference? What do we find attractive? Well, unlike the choosiness studies, here we actually have some pretty good cross-cultural data. So one study, for instance, was done in 10,000 people from thirty-seven countries, asking people, "Who do you want to be with?" And there are different studies, some of them asking, "Who do you want to marry?" Other studies, "Who do you want as a mate? Who do you want as a sexual partner?" And one main finding is kind of reassuring, everybody likes kindness and intelligence, or at least everybody says they like kindness and intelligence. These are valued pretty highly.

But at the same time, there are sex differences. Females focus more on power and status and more on interest in investing in children. And think about that from an evolutionary point of view and it makes sense. It doesn't matter hugely, from the standpoint of reproduction, how old the man is. The difference between fifteen and twenty-five and thirty-five and forty-five may matter a lot for his status in the community, his physical strength, his lifespan but from the standpoint of his sperm it doesn't matter hugely. Later on there's a drop off and it does begin to matter, but it doesn't matter hugely. What does matter is his interest in being a good father, in protecting you from predation, from murder, from assault by other people, and in taking care of the kid. Women's brains are wired up to find males with those properties.

Similarly, males focus a little bit differently. They're more interested in all of these things, but also on the ability to have children. So, from an evolutionary point of view, there's actually a very big difference between a twenty-year old and a fifty-year old, from a male standpoint looking at a female, because the one can have offspring and the other cannot. So, this is a difference.

Chapter 4. Beauty: An Average Face [00:32:16]

But what I want to focus more on right now is back to another similarity. Everybody likes beauty. And I want to devote a little bit of this lecture to talking about physical beauty. Physical beauty, as these beautiful people say, is a curse. So she — she's like a big model, a supermodel, maybe even a super-supermodel — points out the arbitrariness of finding her devastatingly beautiful. Famous actor points out how frustrating it is that people only ignore his accomplishments and focus merely on his physical beauty. This is very frustrating. So what is beauty? What does this mean we say we find — you know, yeah, they really are very attractive people. What is it about that that makes you look and say, "Yeah, that makes sense?" Well, we kind of know the answer. We know some universals.

Beauty seems to signal two things. Beauty seems to signal youth — I mean, not pre-school youth, but youth like sexually mature but young. And so the cues we find beautiful are cues to that – large eyes, full lips, smooth, tight skin. Beauty signals something else. Beauty is a marker for health. And so what we find beautiful, things like the absence of deformities, clear eyes, unblemished skin, intact teeth – that's very big – and an average face. And that last part might seem a little bit strange. What would be so good about an average face? And there are different answers to that, but one answer is, an average face, on average, should be considered attractive because any sort of deformities are variations from the average. And if you average every face together, you get a face that — where nothing bad has happened to it. There's no distortion, there's no deviation. As one gets older, the face gets less symmetrical and so on. Average-ness seems to factor out all the bad things that could happen.

Good theory. How do we know it's true? Well, there's a photo roster that comes — that I have access to for this class. So, I can look at each of your pictures, and I will make you a bet about who has the most beautiful face in this course. The bet is it would be all of you. Aw. Wouldn't it be funny if I shouted out somebody's name? And you know, A) I don't have the energy to do this, and B) it would probably violate four hundred different privacy laws or whatever. But if I took all those faces and morphed them together, I would get a very pretty face. And how do we know this? Well, people have done this. They've done it with — so look at the faces from here to here. And if you are like most people, you see as you're going to the right they're looking better and better and better. It's subtle, but it's actually not so subtle that babies don't notice it. The same researchers who constructed this — these face — these average Caucasian faces, male and female, have shown these faces to babies and find that babies that prefer to look at average faces — suggesting that our preference for averaging is not the product of culture but rather is to some extent hard-wired.

These two people don't exist. They're computer composites. They're a heavily averaged male face and a heavily averaged female face, both from a Caucasian data sample. They don't look bad right? They're good faces. They don't cheat. So the hair, for instance, is identical — so they don't — you can't use hair cues. But they're pretty attractive. But the story of attractiveness does not end there. How do you get a better than average face? What can you do to these faces, these average faces, and make them look even better? Well, I'll have a vote. Who's prettier? Who says the one on the right? Who says the one on the left? Left is average face, and there might be variation in this class. There are definitely variations in what people favor. This is a feminized version of the average face where certain prototype features were made more feminine than average to cue this as more of a sexual object.

This is more complicated. Who thinks face A is more attractive? [face A has exaggerated chiseled jaw and square chin] Who thinks face B is more attractive? Okay. Most people like face B. The exception is, and this has been statistically replicated, I think, now in three labs. Face A is preferred by women who are ovulating, and the story about why is complicated and will take us beyond the scope of this class. But currently the idea is that this [face B] is a really handsome guy; he's young, he's healthy, he looks strong, good provider; this guy [face A] is really hot, and he may not be a good provider and everything, but I'm sure he has wonderful genes. So, the idea is that one should have sex with him [face A] and then have him [face B] raise the kids.

Chapter 5. Social Factors for Sex Differences [00:38:24]

We've talked so far about things, about sex and sexual attractiveness largely from a biological perspective, looking at universals. And in fact, there are some universals in what men and women have in common and what distinguishes men and women. And in some of the sex differences, particularly related to aggression and mate preference, seem to be universal. They seem to show up to some extent across every culture you look at and, hence, are likely candidates for biological adaptations. But there are other sex differences that people are aware of where the origins are far less clear. And I think that intelligent, reasonable people could disagree about this, but I am personally quite skeptical about the extent to which these reflect biology. I'll mention them to capture the debate, but the thing to keep in mind here is that biology, natural selection, is one reason why the men in this class might differ from the women in this class. But of course, there are other, social, factors.

Babies are treated differently. There have been many studies where you take a baby and swaddle it in blue and describe it as a boy versus swaddle it in pink and describe it as a girl, and people treat it differently when they think it's a boy than when they think it's a girl. You're treated differently too. It matters a lot — and there's study after study suggesting, for instance, that when you send an email or a job application or a paper to a scientific journal, it matters whether it has the name John Smith on it versus the name Joan Smith. It matters because people have different expectations and different reactions to males versus females. Some if you may have firsthand experience with this if you're a man with a name that could be taken as a woman's name – friend of mine is named Lynn, and often people think he's female – or if you're a woman who has a name that could be taken as a man's name, or if you have a name sufficiently foreign to Western ears that people can't easily tell. You'll often find people saying, "Oh," people are high-fiving each other there [referring to students in the class] — you'll often find some degree of surprise and some degree of people saying, "Oh my, I didn't know you were a man. Now I will treat you differently." And so, these social factors could play a role in explaining some male and female differences.

Also, there are the facts of gender self-segregation. So here something very interesting happens developmentally. Males segregate with other males; females segregate with other females — for a period lasting, it depends on the culture, but say from age four to age eleven. This self-segregation might exaggerate and enhance sex differences. It might be, for instance, as Eleanor Maccoby has proposed, that boys are slightly more aggressive than girls. But then boys go into groups of boys, and that enhances and exaggerates their aggression while the girls' non-aggressive behavior is enhanced and exaggerated in different ways by them falling into girls' groups.

So, what sort of differences are we talking about when we say we're not sure of their cause? Well, one difference is one in empathy. So Simon Baron-Cohen wrote a wonderful book called The Essential Difference where he argues that men are by nature less empathetic, women are by nature more empathetic, and that this is a core sex difference. So, what do you know? Well, what's the source for this? One thing is men are more violent. Simon Baron-Cohen describes violence as the ultimate act — murder as the ultimate act of a lack of empathy. There's some relationship between how much testosterone you have in your system and how social you are – more testosterone, less social. Boys tend to be less empathetic than girls, and there's some evidence, though it's not conclusive, that boys do worse than girls on social cognition theory of mind tasks. That's what I have here, though that is quite debated.

And the biggest effect, which isn't debated at all, is problems with empathy, problems of social cognition, are much more frequent in men than in women. So, these disorders like autism, Asperger's Syndrome, conduct disorder and psychopathy are predominately male. And Simon Baron-Cohen suggests that — basically, he has this slogan where he says, "To be a man is to suffer from a particularly mild form of autism." That males are just socially clueless relative to women. Final bit of trivia — This is Simon Baron Cohen, who is a very famous developmental psychologist, but his cousin Sasha Baron Cohen is far more famous. Another debate is a debate concerning sex differences in the capacity for math and science.

A few years ago there used to be a president of Harvard known as Larry Summers. There are so many reasons to hiss at this point. And Larry Summers is no longer president of Harvard for various reasons, but one reason was this quote, which included in his speculations about sex differences, "...in the special case of science and engineering, there are issues of intrinsic aptitude, and particularly of the variability of aptitude..." He argued, or suggested, that the under-representation of women in the sciences in academia is because of an intrinsic aptitude difference; women are, on average, less biologically predisposed to do this sort of reasoning. The variability point is that he wasn't suggesting that there's just a difference on average. In fact, he agreed that the average skills of men and women are identical. The claim is that males show more variation. This means that there are more male retarded people and more males who are just horribly bad at this, but it also means there are more male geniuses. And he suggested that this plays a role.

This, as you can imagine, proved to be an extremely controversial claim, and rather than go through it – because it would take me a class to treat the pros and cons of this argument responsibly – I'm going to refer you to a wonderful debate between Steve Pinker, who was quoted earlier, and Liz Spelke who's one of the big infant cognition people. And we spoke a lot about her work earlier on in the course. And they have a wonderful debate between two of the smartest people I know on The Edge, which was done at Harvard about a year ago and is on video here [http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/debate05/debate05_index.html]. So, if you're interested in sex differences and different theories about the mechanism of sex differences, this is where you should go.

Chapter 6. Sexual Orientation [00:45:53]

Finally, and a final topic, some of us, about 98% — and the numbers are very difficult to pin down. Maybe it isn't 98%; maybe it's ninety-seven, maybe it's ninety-nine. Let's say 98% of women are sexually attracted to men. About 96% of men are sexually attracted to women. And the numbers vary and it's very difficult to estimate it properly. As you could imagine, there are all sorts of problems with this sort of research. But there's some proportion of the population that's exclusively homosexual — some proportion of the population of men who are only attracted to other men, some proportion of the population of women who are only attracted to other women. When people talk about sexual orientation here, it's important to realize we are not talking here about behavior. There are all sorts of reasons why somebody might have sex with somebody of the same sex. You know, they might be bored. You may, you know, be experimenting, be whatever. The question is, "What do you want to do?" All things being equal, what sort of person — if you could be sexually or romantically involved with any person, who would it be? And most people are heterosexual. There's a considerable amount that varies cross-culturally of people who are bisexual. But the real puzzle is exclusive homosexuality. So, why?

Well, nobody knows. We know some reasons, some answers are probably not right. It is not the case, almost certainly – maybe there are some exceptions – but it is not the case that people choose their sexual orientation. I'm not going to do this in this room, but if you asked people to raise their hands as to how many people decided who to become sexually attracted to, very few people would. Part of the issue rises in the fact that people who are gay are often extremely discriminated against, and they have no wish to be gay. They might even think it's morally wrong for them to be that way. That makes it implausible that their sexual orientation is a conscious choice.

What about experience after puberty? So, there is a view that keeps coming up over and over again in the literature that people who are gay have in some sense been seduced by people, by other people — or something happened to them afterwards. This seems unlikely. There are in particular the seeds of sexual orientation later on in life seem to show up quite early in life. Again, the studies are sort of suspect, but there's some reason to believe that people who are gay and people who are straight are different long before they hit puberty with regard to their sexual and romantic fantasies.

You would now expect me to say, "Well, being gay and being straight is built in. It's hard-wired. None of these stories seem right. It seems to be built in." And the answer to that is, sort of. So, if you do the standard behavioral genetic tests, and you by now know how to do them — you'd look for differences between monozygotic and dizygotic twins, you'd do the adoption comparison — you know adopted siblings and biological siblings. The answer is yes, you find that there is some sort of genetic predisposition towards homosexuality. But it can't be entirely genetic. One reason why it can't be entirely genetic is, if I'm gay and I have an identical twin, the odds that my identical twin will be gay — it's about fifty percent. Those are very high odds compared to the average in the population. But if it was truly genetic, entirely genetic, what should the number be? A hundred percent – he's my clone. He should be exactly as I am. And it's not. So, we know then that some sort of experience, possibly prenatal experience, is what explains it.

Why is it so – I said before this is a huge puzzle – why is it such a huge puzzle? Well, exclusive homosexuality is an evolutionary mystery. Again, do not think that this carries any moral weight to it. What it does mean though is that it doesn't seem to follow as a biological adaptation. The puzzle is not why is it that some men have sex with men. That's not a big puzzle. Maybe they have sex with men as some sort of recreational things or pair bonding or whatever. That's not the puzzle.

The puzzle is why are there some men who don't want to have sex with women? Similarly, why are there some women who don't want to have sex with men? From an evolutionary adaptive standpoint, you would think that the genes that give rise to such a behavior would be weeded out because creatures with that behavior typically, putting aside modern technology, don't have offspring. And that's what makes it such a puzzle. So, your reading response for this week is "solve that puzzle." I know I said early on in the course that reading responses would be really easy and just require you reciting back things, but that proved to be too boring. So, just solve this deepest of all puzzle. The thing in brackets at the end is very important. Your account, whatever it is, should bear some relationship to the facts as discussed in lectures and readings. We have about five more minutes.

Chapter 7. Question and Answer on Sex and Gender [00:51:39]

Any questions or thoughts? Yes?

Student: I like your leather jacket.

Professor Paul Bloom: Thank you very much. She likes my leather jacket. Any questions or thoughts, just like that one? No. Yes?

Student: My question's not exactly like that one, but in other animals do they — is there similar data on other species?

Professor Paul Bloom: On sexual preferences? That's a very good question because certainly your answer to the origin – give me two more minutes – certainly your answer about the origin of sexual preference in humans will be informed by the question of cross-species data. What we do know is that there are many animals that engage in homosexual behavior; they engage in sex with members of their own sex. What I don't know is whether you get exclusive homosexual behavior. So, I don't know what the rate is in nonhuman primates, for instance, of primates who do not want to have sex with members of the opposite sex. Okay, I'll see you all Wednesday.

[end of transcript]

Sunday, December 29, 2013

When Worlds Collide: Meeting Your Twin Flame, by Sarah Delamere Hurding.

Many of us know who our Soul Mates are. But do we recognize our other half? Our Twin Flame?
This is a new concept to many of you I am sure. But as 2013 gets underway and your opportunity for growth and spiritual evolution expands, it is time to get ready for the ride of your life.
Your Twin Flame awaits. But be warned it ain't necessarily gonna be a picnic.
Each of us has between 6 to 12 Soul Mates ranging from siblings to spouses to teachers to lovers to friends. Our Soul Mates in this life are the people who support us and whom we are closely connected with. They probably have a lot in common with us and are always there for us, understanding, encouraging and sharing every step of the way.
Our Soul Mates feel familiar to us and this is because more often than not we have had several life times together. In each life time we meet up again and replay our connections, sometimes more successfully than others. We cannot avoid our Soul Mates. Indeed our lives would be pretty empty and meaningless without them. These deep friendships and bonds are what makes life worthwhile. Together we always have the opportunity to transform ourselves and clear the karmas and controversies of previous times.
The purpose of connecting with Soul Mates is to learn, share and grow together. We would find it hard to manage without them. Yet as our spirit develops and changes sometimes we are tested with a letting go process which can be quite difficult and painful. The good news is, these trials and difficulties often pave the way for the real humdinger of a connection – our reconciliation with our Twin Flame.
So if you have been having a hard time of tests and changes in the last couple of years, take heart that a very worthwhile relationship is more than likely just around the corner. As the Year progresses, all roads lead to this magical point. It is where we should all aspire to get to and this is now what many of us will be lucky enough to experience.
Of course many people are in established and happy relationships with their Soul Mates and young families and they do not need to be reading this with a hint of panic. Sometimes the Twin Flame thing is too much for some. This is okay. If it is meant to happen it will do so and if it is not then life roles on, no harm done. What will be will be…
But the reality is that the times ahead will accelerate our lives in ways we have not yet anticipated. There will be unpredictable and unanticipated changes as the energies change. The planet does need more and more spiritually conscious people to get busy on its behalf. This why the Twin Flame thing really could stir the pot and take you by surprise.
Just remember you have free will and you have choice. Even when confronted with your other half, you can just say no if you are happy in your current situation. Just be very self aware if this happens to you and double check that you are not in some kind of unhealthy denial about who you are and whom you should be with.
Twin Flame will stir you up to look deep within. Can you handle it?
Our Twin Flame unions have the potential to be a whole world apart from what we have experienced to date. Other worldly in fact! These advanced spiritual soul mates shine a light on us and reflect all our issues back to us in spades.
Twin Flame relationships are the ultimate challenge. They inspire great healing within but if you are not ready to shift all of your nonsense, dramas and negative patterns it is very unlikely you will ever be lucky enough to fully connect. The Universe only tends to allow this union when both parties have gone through a whole lot and are ready for a whole lot more!
So have you met your Twin Flame yet?
The chances are you have not. These are rare connections and many Twin Flames are in spirit rather than walking the earth plane. Or at least this has been the way of it for aeons.
Up until the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, it was very common for your Twin Flame to support you in spirit. You see your Twin Flame is a completely independent and autonomous unit. Yes, they are your other half; the other part of you. But equally they are whole in themselves and can get by without you.
The chances are you will only connect with your Twin Flame when you have reached such a level of independence within yourself that you can actually manage quite well without them.
This might not sound very romantic. But the Twin Flame connection is so powerful that it is about spirit and soul much more than a mere physical connection; though that is all included if you are lucky enough to hook up in this life time.
Many people connect with their spouse or main Soul Mate during childhood. But it is really not very typical for Twin Flames to connect during childhood. Typically both parties have to have evolved to a certain level of consciousness or vibration before the universe allows the connection.
You do not happen upon your Twin Flame in a casual way, nor do you go out of your way to find them. It is quite simple, when the time is right you find each other.
It is very common for a Twin Flame to be in another country or another continent and very unlikely they will be living in your neighbourhood. Because this is primarily a spiritual connection, the universe likes to test things by keeping Twin Flames apart for quite some time. This is the union of two mature souls who have probably been to hell and back and who have finally found each other and suddenly it all makes sense.
This union is everything you have wished for and more. It is mutual and reciprocal; not unrequited or one sided; not dysfunctional or co-dependent. There is really no separation from your Twin Flame. They are a part of you, even now. Chances are they are waiting to find you even as we speak.
So how will I know if I have found my Twin Flame?
The beauty of this connection is that usually there is a strong telepathic link that dispenses with the need for words. You do not even have to be alone in the silence. Tune into the universe and see what impressions you start to get about your Twin. Do not assume that they are a lot like you. Often times their role is to compliment you, so they may well have had quite a different life path up until the point when you connect.
The universe will start to give you very definite clues in the form of synchronous coincidences. There will be subtle signs which you may well resist at first because you will not quite believe what is happening. There will be magic in the air and yet you may feel some resistance too. Sit loose to it all with a wry smile on your face because of course there really is no panic. You will feel quietly confident and assured deep within. This all makes complete sense as they are your twin. They have been wanting to connect with you just as much as you with them. so why sweat it?
So what are the odds of connecting with your Twin?
God only knows: literally. After all they are one soul in a sea of souls. It is possible to put too much emphasis on finding your spiritual Twin.
Twin Flames? IF we are meant to connect with our Twin Flame in this life time we will cross paths soon enough and both parties will just ‘know’. There will be no doubts. Like magnets drawn together in a compelling, unavoidable way the nature of the Twin Flame relationship is undeniable. It leaves no room for analysis and doubt. All the ‘will he or she’ torture is nowhere in sight.
The down side is that your Twin Flame may indeed be in Spirit in this life time. But as we are in the new groove this is less likely to be so than it would have been aeons ago. As the magical energies building towards 2019, many people will finally connect with their Twin Flame. This is all part of the divine plan and encourages the spiritual evolution of the planet. The babies born from these unions will be something else!
Remember that connecting with your Twin Flame may well be challenging. When you initially connect – after the inevitable fireworks – you may feel some resistance and adjustment. This is only natural. Hooking up with your Twin Flame is a major reality check that can be more than a little bit uncomfortable. It is often like dealing with a part of yourself you have chosen not to look at for quite some time.
This all makes sense in a way. Connecting with your Twin is like looking squarely in the mirror and seeing the naked truth warts and all. No one is pretending that this kind of connection is going to be plain sailing. There is also quite a high chance that your Twin may be coming out of a relationship in which they have had to fulfill certain karmas. So, there will be adjustments on all sides.
Of course the things in the way of this magical connection ultimately work to confirm its validity. The challenges heighten mutual determination but only if it is the right TIME for this connection. Bravery is required on both sides.
Connecting with your Twin Flame does not usually follow the same pattern as the straightforward romantic falling in love process. It surpasses the traditional romantic images of strolls on the beach hand in hand, candlelight dinners and gazing at the stars -  it is much more of a crazy rollercoaster ride. Enjoy!

Practical Tips To Attract your Twin Flame into your life:
1) Eliminate clutter and create space.
2) Create the right conditions to magnetize your mate both within and without: Enhance your living environment with attractive decor.
3) Ditch the past within and without: Let go and embrace the void for a while if needs be. You need to be strong and independent to attract your mate.
4) Clear Obstacles: Release all evidence in your environment that you might be hanging on to the past.
5) Identify and Clarify: Tune in and get a sense of what your Twin Flame might be like. Feel what it would be like to be with them. Magnetize your feelings and trust yourself to draw the right person to you.
6) Love connections: Fully appreciate and experience your Soul Mate connections first. Sort out issues with your nearest and dearest.
7) Forgive yourself past mistakes and do not anticipate you will repeat them. With your Twin Flame you definitely will not do so.
8) Maintain a vibration of love, spirit and openness to all. Prepare your heart and be ready.
--
Read the original post here.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Why generation Y yuppies are unhappy, by Tim Urban.

Say hi to Lucy.

Lucy is part of Generation Y, the generation born between the late 1970s and the mid 1990s.  She's also part of a yuppie culture that makes up a large portion of Gen Y.  

I have a term for yuppies in the Gen Y age group—I call them Gen Y Protagonists & Special Yuppies, or GYPSYs.  A GYPSY is a unique brand of yuppie, one who thinks they are the main character of a very special story.

So Lucy's enjoying her GYPSY life, and she's very pleased to be Lucy.  Only issue is this one thing:

Lucy's kind of unhappy.

To get to the bottom of why, we need to define what makes someone happy or unhappy in the first place.  It comes down to a simple formula:


It's pretty straightforward—when the reality of someone's life is better than they had expected, they're happy.  When reality turns out to be worse than the expectations, they're unhappy. 

To provide some context, let's start by bringing Lucy's parents into the discussion:

Lucy's parents were born in the 50s—they're Baby Boomers.  They were raised by Lucy's grandparents, members of the G.I. Generation, or "the Greatest Generation," who grew up during the Great Depression and fought in World War II, and were most definitely not GYPSYs.

Lucy's Depression Era grandparents were obsessed with economic security and raised her parents to build practical, secure careers.  They wanted her parents' careers to have greener grass than their own, and Lucy's parents were brought up to envision a prosperous and stable career for themselves.  Something like this:




They were taught that there was nothing stopping them from getting to that lush, green lawn of a career, but that they'd need to put in years of hard work to make it happen. 


After graduating from being insufferable hippies, Lucy's parents embarked on their careers.  As the 70s, 80s, and 90s rolled along, the world entered a time of unprecedented economic prosperity.  Lucy's parents did even better than they expected to.  This left them feeling gratified and optimistic.


With a smoother, more positive life experience than that of their own parents, Lucy's parents raised Lucy with a sense of optimism and unbounded possibility.  And they weren't alone.  Baby Boomers all around the country and world told their Gen Y kids that they could be whatever they wanted to be, instilling the special protagonist identity deep within their psyches.

This left GYPSYs feeling tremendously hopeful about their careers, to the point where their parents' goals of a green lawn of secure prosperity didn't really do it for them.  A GYPSY-worthy lawn has flowers.




This leads to our first fact about GYPSYs:

GYPSYs Are Wildly Ambitious


The GYPSY needs a lot more from a career than a nice green lawn of prosperity and security.  The fact is, a green lawn isn't quite exceptional or unique enough for a GYPSY.  Where the Baby Boomers wanted to live The American Dream, GYPSYs want to live Their Own Personal Dream.  

Cal Newport points out that "follow your passion" is a catchphrase that has only gotten going in the last 20 years, according to Google's Ngram viewer, a tool that shows how prominently a given phrase appears in English print over any period of time.  The same Ngram viewer shows that the phrase "a secure career" has gone out of style, just as the phrase "a fulfilling career" has gotten hot.

To be clear, GYPSYs want economic prosperity just like their parents did—they just also want to be fulfilled by their career in a way their parents didn't think about as much.  

But something else is happening too.  While the career goals of Gen Y as a whole have become much more particular and ambitious, Lucy has been given a second message throughout her childhood as well:


This would probably be a good time to bring in our second fact about GYPSYs:

GYPSYs Are Delusional

"Sure," Lucy has been taught, "everyone will go and get themselves some fulfilling career, but I am unusually wonderful and as such, my career and life path will stand out amongst the crowd."  So on top of the generation as a whole having the bold goal of a flowery career lawn, each individual GYPSY thinks that he or she is destined for something even better—

A shiny unicorn on top of the flowery lawn.  


So why is this delusional?  Because this is what all GYPSYs think, which defies the definition of special:

spe-cial | 'speSHel |
adjective
better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.

According to this definition, most people are not special—otherwise "special" wouldn't mean anything.
Even right now, the GYPSYs reading this are thinking, "Good point...but I actually am one of the few special ones"—and this is the problem.

A second GYPSY delusion comes into play once the GYPSY enters the job market.  While Lucy's parents' expectation was that many years of hard work would eventually lead to a great career, Lucy considers a great career an obvious given for someone as exceptional as she, and for her it's just a matter of time and choosing which way to go.  Her pre-workforce expectations look something like this:

Unfortunately, the funny thing about the world is that it turns out to not be that easy of a place, and the weird thing about careers is that they're actually quite hard.  Great careers take years of blood, sweat and tears to build—even the ones with no flowers or unicorns on them—and even the most successful people are rarely doing anything that great in their early or mid-20s.  

But GYPSYs aren't about to just accept that.  

Paul Harvey, a University of New Hampshire professor and GYPSY expert, has researched this, finding that Gen Y has "unrealistic expectations and a strong resistance toward accepting negative feedback," and "an inflated view of oneself."  He says that "a great source of frustration for people with a strong sense of entitlement is unmet expectations. They often feel entitled to a level of respect and rewards that aren’t in line with their actual ability and effort levels, and so they might not get the level of respect and rewards they are expecting."

For those hiring members of Gen Y, Harvey suggests asking the interview question, “Do you feel you are generally superior to your coworkers/classmates/etc., and if so, why?”  He says that “if the candidate answers yes to the first part but struggles with the ‘why,’ there may be an entitlement issue. This is because entitlement perceptions are often based on an unfounded sense of superiority and deservingness. They’ve been led to believe, perhaps through overzealous self-esteem building exercises in their youth, that they are somehow special but often lack any real justification for this belief."

And since the real world has the nerve to consider merit a factor, a few years out of college Lucy finds herself here:
Lucy's extreme ambition, coupled with the arrogance that comes along with being a bit deluded about one's own self-worth, has left her with huge expectations for even the early years out of college.  And her reality pales in comparison to those expectations, leaving her "reality - expectations" happy score coming out at a negative.

And it gets even worse.  On top of all this, GYPSYs have an extra problem that applies to their whole generation:

GYPSYs Are Taunted

Sure, some people from Lucy's parents' high school or college classes ended up more successful than her parents did.  And while they may have heard about some of it from time to time through the grapevine, for the most part they didn't really know what was going on in too many other peoples' careers.

Lucy, on the other hand, finds herself constantly taunted by a modern phenomenon: Facebook Image Crafting.

Social media creates a world for Lucy where A) what everyone else is doing is very out in the open, B) most people present an inflated version of their own existence, and C) the people who chime in the most about their careers are usually those whose careers (or relationships) are going the best, while struggling people tend not to broadcast their situation.  This leaves Lucy feeling, incorrectly, like everyone else is doing really well, only adding to her misery:

So that's why Lucy is unhappy, or at the least, feeling a bit frustrated and inadequate.  In fact, she's probably started off her career perfectly well, but to her, it feels very disappointing. 

Here's my advice for Lucy:

1) Stay wildly ambitious.  The current world is bubbling with opportunity for an ambitious person to find flowery, fulfilling success.  The specific direction may be unclear, but it'll work itself out—just dive in somewhere.

2) Stop thinking that you're special.  The fact is, right now, you're not special.  You're another completely inexperienced young person who doesn't have all that much to offer yet.  You can become special by working really hard for a long time.  

3) Ignore everyone else. Other people's grass seeming greener is no new concept, but in today's image crafting world, other people's grass looks like a glorious meadow. The truth is that everyone else is just as indecisive, self-doubting, and frustrated as you are, and if you just do your thing, you'll never have any reason to envy others.
--
Original post in Wait but Why.

Friday, December 20, 2013

How To Tell If It's Love or Just Lust, by Michelle Alva.

Ever wondered if you were truly in love, or truly in lust?

Did you know that falling in love actually happens over time, and the journey from initial attraction to deep romantic love is a predictable course that depends on many different factors?

Love is an intense feeling of affection toward another person. It's a profound and caring attraction that forms emotional attachment.

On the flip side, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature that is based on physical attraction. Lust can transform into deep romantic love, but it usually takes time.

Two individuals will transform their lust into love when they get to see the whole individual (their strengths and weaknesses) and get past the “fantasy level.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a well-known researcher on the topic of romantic love, has identified three stages to falling in love in her excellent book Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love and I've been inspired by her research in writing this post.

Which stage are you at?

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is the first stage of falling in love. It's driven by desire. The sex hormones play an important role in this stage. According to experts, this stage may begin immediately and can last up to two years.

Signs that you're in lust:

You're focused on the physical appearance of the object of your desire.
There is a strong desire to have sex, but not deep emotional conversations.
You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
You are lovers, but not necessarily friends.
Stage 2: Attraction

This is the “love-struck” phase. When you spend hours daydreaming about your lover; when you lose sleep or your appetite, you know you're in this phase. The neurohormones that play an important role in the attraction or infatuation phase are dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are the hormones that send our heart racing, and might actually make us feel like we are going insane.

Stage 3: Deep Love and Attachment

When a couple has gotten to know themselves beyond the courting phase and they get to see their partner’s “whole” personality, including their strengths and weaknesses, and still choose to love and accept each other for who they are, a neurohormone of love called oxytocin takes over. This is the commitment hormone. It's released during orgasm and believed to promote bonding when adults are intimate.

The theory goes on that the more sex a couple has, the deeper the bond becomes. Socrates was correct when he said “where there is love there is madness.” Romantic love and addiction share similar brain chemistry. Therefore, if you are not interested in a serious committed relationship, Dr. Fisher advises not to casually sleep with someone, because you are likely to bond with the individual with whom you have an orgasm with. Basically we are kidding ourselves when we say we are going to keep it casual. Our brain is wired to bond and connect with a partner with whom we experience pleasure.

Signs that you're in true romantic love

This type of love is not just an emotion, it's also a craving. There is a strong emotional craving, the love drive is even stronger than the sex drive.

Possessiveness. When you desire only that one person, you know you are in deep romantic love.
You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings and make each other happy.
He or she motivates you to be a better person.
You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.
You can’t stop thinking about that person.
At this stage, instead of a split between love and lust, your new path lies in the balancing of the two: committed love and red hot sex, security and excitement, continuity and novelty, safety and adventure, comfort and passion. The happiest couples are the ones that can maintain a balance between lust and love.

Enjoy the journey of self-discovery relating with someone for whom you lust. If the chemistry is right, it will transform into romantic love!

Don’t rush it; allow it to unfold naturally. The more you bring love, honesty, passion and romance into your own self-relationship, the easier it will be to attract someone who shares those same qualities.

--

Thursday, December 19, 2013

On loosing hope, by Chris Cade.

Recently I went through an unexpected breakup, and it has challenged me in a lot of ways I didn't see coming.

For example, this was the first time I'd ever broken up due to an abundance of love and the recognition that being in relationship with this person wasn't for the highest good.

There were no arguments, no friction, no conflict. Just a lot of love that wanted to be experienced and expressed in ways that couldn't work out.

This was new to me. My previous breakups were always due to fundamental problems between me and the other person that eventually led to the breakup. This time, my mind couldn't grasp the idea that an abundance of love was a completely valid, real, and important reason for a breakup.

Because of this, my mind began to notice all the ways I'd attached future experiences to this person...

For example, I had planned some really wonderful date ideas. And perfect gift ideas. Not just good ideas for dates and gifts, but rather, ones that were really attuned to the unique relationship that we shared. We both also knew that we would have lived an amazing life together, especially with incredible synergy in so many different ways.
    
As I felt into those feelings of perfect alignment and an incredible future, I realized how much I had emotionally invested in a future that didn't exist...

After the breakup, my mind kept coming back to all the ways we fit together perfectly. All the amazing ideas and expectations I had for the future. Or in another word:
    
All my hopes.

In really reflecting on hope, I came to understand what one of my spiritual teachers has been saying for years about the Hope / Desire / Rejection cycle.
    
In a nutshell, it works like this:

First we have a hope. An idea about some way we want our future life to be. Then that hope buries itself deeper into our heart as a desire. No longer is it just wishful thinking, it becomes a heartful wish.

At first that sounds great. Especially if we want to get more out of life. Unfortunately, that very cycle of hoping and desiring a better future leaves us in a state of rejection of the present moment. And given that the past is a memory and the future hasn't happened yet, the Present moment is the only thing that exists.
    
In other words, by me continually running the stories (and associated emotions) of a hopeful future, I was rejecting the only thing that actually exists: Now.

And to go deeper with that, every time I find myself sad or experiencing emotional pain, I have been able to trace it back to my hope about a future that I realize will not happen.

This has been an uncomfortable exploration.

My mind doesn't like the idea that my hope is actually causing me pain. It wants to believe that hoping for a different future will somehow bring me happiness. Unfortunately it doesn't. It can't. That's just not how the future works.

Consequently, I've been "losing" hope since the breakup.

Instead of letting my mind and heart get stuck running in circles hoping for a future that won't exist, I'm being more Present with my immediate experience. I'm learning what it means to let go of a non-existent future and to more fully embrace what actually is.

What is coming more fully into my experience is a sense of faith and optimism. I trust that all is for the highest good. I trust that as I deepen into the Present moment, that will cascade into future moments that will continue to be increasingly more amazing.

I don't know exactly how that will look. I just know that by "losing" my hope I'm opening up to, allowing for, and embracing, whatever magnificence the mysterious and unknown future has for me.

Less hope, and more faith. That's where I'm headed. :)

See, faith is fundamentally different than hope...

Hope has a very specific outcome that we attach to. We hope for things to turn out a certain way.
    
Faith on the other hand is unattached. It knows that things will turn out fine, even amazing, and that we can't know or imagine what that outcome will be.

Hope is born of our minds. It's of our egos. It tells us how it thinks the world should be. And then when life doesn't go the way we had "hoped," we feel the pain and rejection inherent within the hope.

Faith is born of our hearts and spirits. It's of our True Nature. It tells us that no matter how the world is, it is for the highest good. And then when life unfolds naturally as the mystery it is, we get to experience ourselves as heros on an adventure. Not knowing where the next turn leads, and still knowing the next turn will take us someplace important.

So yes, I'm "losing" hope. And I'm more optimistic and faithful than ever before. :)

Your Partner In Losing Hope,
Chris Cade
Liberate Your Life

P.S. Some wonderful shifts I'm experiencing by "losing" hope are...

A much faster transition through the breakup process. Pain is much more quickly transmuted into love. Hopes shift into faith and optimism. Unfulfilled expectations flow into gratitude. Feelings of being left behind or abandoned show me all the ways in which I'm incredibly supported.

I also am more fully experiencing and expressing unconditional love. My heart is expanding in directions I never could have "hoped" for, and for which I am grateful.

I've also learned that if I can walk away from an enjoyable, good, and loving relationship because it truly isn't for the highest good...

I'm making space in my life for the truly incredible, amazing, abundant relationship that I know is waiting for me... and that will be in alignment for the highest good.

I have no "hope" or expectation about how that Divine Right Relationship will look.

I just have faith and optimism that the Divine has got this one covered. :)

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Gratitude Dispels Fear, by Lynne Forrest.

I was toss­ing and turn­ing dur­ing the wee hours of the night a while back. (I’ve found that the early AM hours are the time when the ego does its worst work.) This sort of sleep­less­ness has assailed me before. I awaken abruptly and lie there for hours com­pletely over­run with thoughts like, “what if this hap­pens or what if that doesn’t work?” –the kind of thoughts that don’t even occur dur­ing day time hours but feel over­whelm­ing at night. My habit in the past has been to lie awake feel­ing com­pletely at the mercy of such thoughts and pray for day­light so that I can escape them into my busy schedule.
But this time was different.
This time when the ego voice awoke me at 3 AM and started in on its pre­dictable rant I rec­og­nized its voice and didn’t take it quite so seri­ously. It still held sway for awhile, going on about about how dire my life sit­u­a­tion is, but this time I didn’t lose sight of who it was in me that was car­ry­ing on with such nay-saying. I decided to ask for help.
I sat up in bed, turned on my bed­side lamp and reached for the bible which hap­pened to be lying on a table near by. I sat with the bible on my lap a few min­utes and asked to be guided with words that would help me deal with the neg­a­tive fear-mongering ego that lives in my own head. I closed my eyes and opened the bible.
When I opened my eyes the first words I saw was the begin­ning of a psalm that said, “Praise the Lord.“I felt an imme­di­ate relief upon read­ing the words and thought, “OF COURSE that’s the answer to ego’s ranting!”
Praise gen­er­ates grat­i­tude; it uplifts the spir­its and raises our vibra­tional fre­quency to a higher vibra­tory level that attracts love and abun­dance. Grat­i­tude defeats ego com­pletely because it is of a much higher fre­quency. Ego can­not thrive in the high vibra­tional fre­quency gen­er­ated by prais­ing Source.
With that aware­ness in mind, I started whis­per­ing an impro­vised song of thanks­giv­ing for the over flow­ing abun­dance in my life. Peace and quiet joy descended. I did not go back to sleep. I did not need to. I was so filled with grat­i­tude that I felt eager to start my day. And it turned into a won­der­ful day — as days gen­er­ally are when I start out in an atti­tude of gratitude.
What is the les­son? Sim­ply this; grat­i­tude is the anti­dote for fear or any stress­ful feel­ing. Use it ceaselessly.
The next time anx­i­ety pro­duc­ing thoughts threaten to take you down, remem­ber that it is the ego that pro­duces fear — always. and turn to thoughts of grat­i­tude imme­di­ately. Find rea­sons to be grate­ful in every­thing you do and in every­thing that hap­pens. Refuse to hang out with the dark thoughts of an angst pro­duc­ing ego and you will find your­self held in the hands of an abun­dant universe.
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Monday, December 16, 2013

13 Uses For Lavender Oil: The Only Essential Oil You'll Need


If you only use one essential oil, this is it!

Lavender (lavandula angustifolia) is the most versatile of all essential oils. Most commonly known for its relaxing effects on the body, therapeutic-grade lavender has been highly regarded for the skin. It may be used to cleanse cuts, bruises and skin irritations. The fragrance is calming, relaxing and balancing – physically and emotionally. Carrying a bottle of lavender around with you is like having your own personal first aid kit, perfume and pick-me-up.

Here are 13 ways you can incorporate lavender in to your daily life:

1. Calming

Rub 2-3 drops of lavender oil in your cupped palms, then use the inhalation method to draw the scent all the way into your amygdala gland (the emotional warehouse) in your brain to calm the mind. Then, rub on the feet, temples, wrists (or anywhere) for an immediate calming effect on the body. Great for use in crowded areas like planes or subways to carve out your own personal oasis.

2. Sleep aid

Again, use the cupping and inhalation method. Then, rub a drop of Lavender oil on your palms and smooth on your pillow to help you sleep.

3. Bee sting / Insect bite

Put a drop of Lavender oil on a bee sting or insect bite to stop itching reduce swelling.

4. Minor burn

Put 2-3 drops Lavender oil on a minor burn to decrease pain. I recently did this after I spilled scorching hot tea on my hand at Starbucks and luckily had my lavender with me. Result: NO redness, swelling or pain. NO sign of any burn. Lavender works wonders!

5. Cuts

Drop Lavender oil on cut to stop bleeding, clean wound, and kill bacteria.

6. Eczema / Dermatitis

Mix several drops of Lavender oil with a nut or vegetable mixing oil (coconut, sesame, etc) and use topically on eczema and dermatitis. I have a dear friend who suffers from severe eczema and swears by this.

7. Nausea or motion sickness

To alleviate the symptoms of motion sickness, place a drop of Lavender oil on end of tongue, behind the ears or around the navel.

8. Nosebleed

To stop a nosebleed, put a drop of lavender oil on a tissue and wrap it around a small chip of ice. Push the tissue covered ice chip up under the middle of the top lip to the base of the nose and hold as long as comfortable or until the bleeding stops (do not freeze the lip or gum).

9. Dry or chapped skin

Rub lavender oil on dry or chapped skin.

10. Chapped or sunburned lips

Rub a drop of lavender oil on chapped or sunburned lips.

11. Hay fever.

Rub a drop of lavender oil between your palms and inhale deeply to help alleviate the symptoms of hay fever.

12. Dandruff.

Rub several drops of lavender oil into the scalp to help eliminate dandruff.

13. Cold sores.

Put a drop of lavender oil on a cold sore.

***BONUS: Flavor booster!

Add a few drops of lavender to any recipe you want to enhance. Favorites: add to your water or tea (especially sparkling!), brownies, bars, cookies, dessert recipes, raw chocolate or salad dressings. Enjoy!

As you can see, Lavender is an essential oil that can uplift your life (and mood), heal and entice in a variety of ways. It's a great secret weapon to have on hand at all times!

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